Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
