What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
