ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
