Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize