they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Randomize
