i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
