why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
