he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
