I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
