Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
