a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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