Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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