Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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