Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
