went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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