U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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