I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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