my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
