He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
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