I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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