The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
It was a blind-side dick pic.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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