I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize