you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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