He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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