I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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