She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
