I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
i've created a new STD.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
