There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
