Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
