I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
