She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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