dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
