Banned from zoo.
Again?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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