Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
