at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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