If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
