My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
