You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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