how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
