maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
