I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
