A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
