AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
