dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
