I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize