Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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