I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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