Whats the glycemic index on semen?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
