Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
