I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
