reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
