so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
