put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i was born a porn star she said
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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