my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I wear drunk well.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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