I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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