Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
