Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
