I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
