to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
