I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
