I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
